Last night I dreamed about having a son, I was very excited about him, delighted and adored him. I vividly remember being disappointed that other people were not as excited or as happy about him arriving in the world as I was.
He had bright green eyes that almost seemed unnatural and I named him Verde. One image I can remember from the dream was him crawling across a white bed in a very bright room, his big green eyes looking right at me. I was filled with a feeling of love and care for him. In the dream I also remember how proud I was making a facebook post to tell everyone about my beautiful baby being born.
When I woke up I still thought he existed for a few seconds, and then I was very sad when he didn’t.
Some context that might be relevant is that when I was 19 I had an abortion because I was raped. During that pregnancy, despite it being short I was certain I was having a boy and on the month that he would have turned one I was heartbroken.
Could it be me missing the baby I never had? I’ve thought a lot about that time of my life recently.